


Interview with Gwen

by Chicory



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Mild Language, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-29
Updated: 2014-06-29
Packaged: 2018-02-06 18:48:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1868475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chicory/pseuds/Chicory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gwen has an interview regarding her role on the show.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Interview with Gwen

**Author's Note:**

> This was written in a fit of utter frustration about two years ago when I was watching the third season of the show. No offense is meant with this ficlet. Well, mostly. All the offense was meant at the show writers.
> 
> If you have any grievances about this ficlet, then please direct them towards Cerch, who is THE reason why I'm posting this stupid thing. Ha ha! *runs away*
> 
> DISCLAIMER: Merlin in its many incarnations doesn't belong to me. But this ficlet, sadly, does and all the mistakes herewithin.

Let's all welcome the lovely Miss Plot Device, also known as Guinevere or Gwen among friends—Oh, the script says she doesn't really have any friends of her own. Well then. Never mind. Let's start.

 

INTERVIEWER: So, Miss Plot Device—Can we call you that or would you rather be called Miss Designated Love Interest?

GWEN: Oh no. I don't mind either. It all depends on what the plot demands of me.

INTERVIEWER: Right, right... When were you introduced in Merlin?

GWEN: In the first episode.

INTERVIEWER: And? How was your lovely character established on the show?

GWEN: Oh, you see, I was delivering Lady Morgana's laundry, I'm her maid, but later on I will be _a_ maid, and then the queen, but anyway, I'm also a blacksmith's daughter, but that isn't important unless I need to help someone put on an armour or tell them how to put on an armour, or I need to use a sword to battle some bandits, but being a blacksmith's daughter doesn't really explain my proficiency with such things anyway, because I've never been mentioned or seen help my father with his work, so it isn't really mentioned much unless the plot demands it. And I had a crush on Merlin. Then I had a crush on Lancelot.

INTERVIEWER: Of course you did.

GWEN: I'm sorry?

INTERVIEWER: Oh nothing. So this blacksmith was...?

GWEN: My father.

INTERVIEWER: He was a _man_?

GWEN: ...Yes?

INTERVIEWER: Right. Of course he was. Anyway! You said you battled some bandits with a sword? Do we see you fight a lot on the show?

GWEN: No... Not really. That was the one and only time and, well, I wasn't really _seen_ in that scene either. And later when there's danger or bandits or anything I'll have a _man_ rescue me so it doesn't really matter much if I can use a sword or not. I just need to look distraught and cry a bit so that takes care of that.

INTERVIEWER: Hmhm. How... interesting. Then, do you have any friends? Any other relatives but your father?

GWEN: No... No. I was sort of friends with the Lady Morgana, as much a maid and a lady can be, but then she went crazy with revenge and it isn't like I've offered her much of my support or anything, unless she's like _right there_ in front of me and I'm in the scene, but I just decided she was evil at one point and... Actually I haven't done much anything about it. Not even ask or wonder why she would suddenly turn against her father figure and her adoptive brother and the castle she calls home. Nope, thinking, that's something I can't really do on my own unless there's a _man_ on the scene with me. I guess we weren't much of friends after all. As for other friends, I'd say Merlin—

INTERVIEWER: Merlin? The _man_ you had a crush on?

GWEN: Yes.

INTERVIEWER: The _man_ who is Arthur's manservant and _his_ friend and _his_ confidant?

GWEN: Yep. That's the one. There's only one Merlin. But really, it's not like we act as friends either. We're never seen exchange pleasantries unless there's another _man_ involved somehow and I never ask him how he's doing or how his day has been or if he he has any trouble. Or we never just hang out... (trails off) Anyway, and I have a brother, but he's been only in one episode so far because he's a bit of a scoundrel, you see, gets into trouble a lot and left me and dad alone, but I can't abandon him because he's my brother.

INTERVIEWER: And your brother is a _man_?

GWEN: ...Well, yes... Naturally.

INTERVIEWER: Right. Well, what happened to your crush on Merlin?

GWEN: Oh, I realised it was hopeless but luckily he introduced me to Lancelot right in the same or the next episode, I can't really remember.

INTERVIEWER: Hmhm. Then what happened to your crush on Lancelot?

GWEN: It never really went away—or at least we haven't been shown or told it had—but Lancelot did. Luckily there was Arthur to crush on, who had stopped being as much of a bully as he was before he met Merlin, or else I wouldn't have known what to do with my life.

INTERVIEWER: ...Right. Well, do you have any ambitions of your own? Any dreams?

GWEN: Hm... There was this one time... No, but I think... No, not really. I once dreamed that Lancelot would come back, but... And now I dream I could marry Arthur.

INTERVIEWER: ...And they are _men_ , right?

GWEN: ...Honestly, what else would they _be_?

INTERVIEWER: Sorry, sorry! I just wanted to make sure! How about anything else? Anything at all...?

GWEN: Nooo... Nope. Nothing comes to mind. I'm a maid, you see, and it would be horrible of a servant to have dreams or ambitions of their own no matter how silly or impossible they might be.

INTERVIEWER: ...Yes, well. How about your relationship with Arthur?

GWEN: Truthfully, I don't think Arthur would have ever looked at me twice if Merlin hadn't come to Camelot. Or that _I_ would have looked at him twice for that matter because he was a terrible bully, but yes, it's very melodramatic and Arthur spends a lot of time _rescuing me_ and being _a knight in shining armour_ for me and _risking his life_ for me even though he is the Once and Future King and a lot rests on his shoulders and he's the _sole_ heir to the throne and I never do the same for him in any active fashion that is solely dependent of me. And we spend a lot of time staring at each other soulfully because that is supposed to be very romantic. Or that's what the writers gathered from Twilight where the two leads have absolutely no chemistry together.

INTERVIEWER: Right. I bet sparks fly whenever you look at each other?

GWEN: Nooo... Not really. See, me and Arthur, we are more like siblings. In fact, even some siblings have more chemistry than us. You should really see Supernatural if you want to see fire and passion and love in a single look. So when I and Arthur gaze soulfully into each other's eyes it tends to be boring and awkward for everyone involved. Some people just lack chemistry and spark.

INTERVIEWER: Sounds like very excellent writing. Is there anything else?

GWEN: Well... If I think about it, the fans all squee how gay or slashy our show is, but that isn't really true, is it? Because I'm the one who ends up being with Arthur—me the female—not Merlin who _shares a destiny with him_ , or is _the other side to Arthur's coin_ , or the fact that  _they wouldn't exist without one another_ , or that they are very basically _soul_ _mates_ , because the story is obviously about Arthur and mine very _heterosexual_ _romance_ and Arthur and Merlin's  _very platonic bromance_ even though they don't follow history or the original myth at all. So really, those fans who squee how gay and slashy the show is can go fuck themselves on their gay porn they are so happy to write but don't really mind if it isn't on their TV screen, because there's _subtext_ just never actual _text_. We are a very progressive century. Very tolerant and accepting.

GWEN: Not to mention that me and Arthur are supposed to be a parallel to Merlin and Arthur. Both me and Merlin are servants, we tend to babble when we are nervous, we are both clumsy. We both believe Arthur will be a great king someday—though unlike Merlin I only offer Arthur pretty words about it instead of some concrete actions. We were both accused of sorcery, though Arthur was willing to sacrifice me to save Merlin's life in the first season, which actually makes me wonder about the strength of his feelings for me, and we are both forbidden romances that can never be... And that sort of thing. Yes, it's very _subtexty_ and _gay_ and _slashy_ without actually being any of those things. Oh, but Merlin and Arthur have what me and Arthur lack, which is both _chemistry_ and _passion_ and _reciprocity_. But me and Arthur are very _sweet_ and _romantic_ together, which is very swoon worthy and should appeal to young teens and children who watch the show and grew up with Disney.

INTERVIEWER: I see. So... Is there anything you actually _do_ on the show?

GWEN: _Do_? What could I possibly _do_ as a _woman_ when I have all these _men_ around in my life to influence my life and actions and what happens to me or do things for me? I just need to look pretty and stand still. It is a very easy role, to be honest. It's not like I matter much because in the original myth I was an outright bitch who cheated on Arthur with his best friend and first knight, and the show really is meant to be about Arthur and Merlin, not me and Arthur, so I'm really wondering why they are wasting so much screen time on our badly written clichéd and cheesy romance. But I guess—if you can call it _doing_ —is that I am a very convenient way of creating tension. Like when I get kidnapped and need to be rescued. Again. Or when I am accused of sorcery. Again. Or when I accidentally break a very important vial because I am, oh so clumsy, then yes, I do a lot on the show.

GWEN: And... (dramatic pause) ...I am a strong woman.

INTERVIEWER: (snorts involuntarily) ...Really?

GWEN: Yes. I tell Arthur off when he acts like a spoiled prince but that's only when I've lost my patience with his insensitivity and of course I apologise a second after because I can't _really_ tell the prince off, can I?

INTERVIEWER: ...Oh. I see. Well, that definitely was a very enlightening interview. Thank you for your participation, Miss Plot Device. Or Designated Love Interest. We hope to see you again. Until next time, lovely readers!

**Author's Note:**

> It is actually quite funny how they did, in fact, get something right about the history. That women are in no way important unless they have a man! _Fuck yes._
> 
> (Btw, I'm not saying I would have wanted Merlin and Arthur to end up together canonically, because dear lord, I shudder to think what kind of a mess that would have been.)
> 
> Thank you for reading :)


End file.
